Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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