I didn't shave. On purpose
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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