i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize