Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
