Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
