At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize