So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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