once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
