fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize