well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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