i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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