oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
