I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
