"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
