Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
