A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
