I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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