So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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