only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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