EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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