Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
