Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
