They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
