You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
