what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
