I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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