nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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