Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
