I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
