just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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