She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Semen is not good for contacts.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
