strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
