At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I wish there were birth control emojis
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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