I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
