I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
