...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
