Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
