I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
