Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
