After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
