How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
