New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
