my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
