quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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