they need to just BURY HIM!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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