I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
