You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
