i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
