At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
