Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
