does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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