if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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