i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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