She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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