We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
