Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
